In The Dark

2007-02-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

Ok.So...My mom wanted to take the baby somewhere in her neighbourhood (like... I don't fucking know.. far west in Vancouver) by 8:30 in the morning tomorrow, and like a moron I said, "Well, you could take her overnight.So she came and got her about 45 minutes ago and I'm freaking out.I don't even know what to do with myself.

---------------

1.5 hours later

Mom called about half an hour ago. Said that Abby is totally pissed off and hadn't stopped screaming since they got home. My stepdad is getting no sleep, and that the baby is looking for "Her Mommy Soother".
I hope that she's not mad at me when she comes home. I miss her so much. I'm seriously pacing and can't get my mind off the baby.
Kind of want her back and it's only been two hours.I don't see either myself nor my mom getting much sleep. Though, she says that Abby is really really tired, so when she does finally fall asleep she'll be asleep for good, but we'll have to see. Plus, what happens when she wakes up at 4 or 5 like she normally does? I miss my little girl.
I'm such a dumbass.She's gunna be so mad at me tomorrow. Maybe she won't. My mom says that she'll probably just be happy to see her mommy.
I hope so.I miss my baby girl.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

2007-02-04T08:27:00.001-08:00

I went to bed a eleven last night knowing that we have to be somewhere at eleven this morning and that the baby would have some sort of wakeful period that I'd have to deal with in the wee hours. She woke me up at 1:11aman I managed to nurse her back to sleep relatively quickly. I was awoken again at 3am & was not so lucky, she was awake until 5, and then it took me an hour to fall asleep, which I finally did by rolling over & facing Nathan because my other side is so sore from always sleeping on it to keep the baby away from him. I was asleep until 7:30 when he woke me up to tell me that I can't lay that way, so I rolled over again onto my sore side, waking the baby again. Who proceeded to wiggle & scream at me until I got up.
Then as soon as I did get up she threw up all over myself & her, and screamed at the top of her lungs while I tried to clean us up.Now she's eating & repeatedly kicking my other boob with her sharp little toenails & all I want to do is go back to bed and get some actual sleep.

I shouldn't be mad at my little family, but I am so very right now. How dare he be allowed to sleep with earplugs in on the weekends. When do I get the earplugs? And then he calls me cranky in the evenings, like... no shit I'm cranky. I'm at someones beck & call all day long. Even if I got a good nights sleep, it's fucking exhausting. No wonder I'm a little extra sensitive during the day.

So now I get to spend today with his family for his nephews birthday. Most of whom have only met Abby once on Christmas Day, I'm gunna have to act happy & shit for hours and hours while they ask stupid questions and offer advice I don't want. And I'm willing to bet that Nathan's going to wake up bitchy just because he knows he has to do this today. He may even say that he's tired from having to get up at 9:30 this morning.

Don't mind me folks, It's been a long night.

Make that "thrown up all over myself and her" twice.

Happy Superbowl.

2007-01-30T21:31:00.000-08:00

I love being a mother. I love it. But I miss the intimacy. Suddenly I feel like he doesn't know me at all. I'm lonely. And I don't want to go out and find someone else... It's not like that. I want to refind Nathan. I want to make our relationship feel special again. I want him to miss me like I miss him.
I want to feel better. Pretty again. Sexy. Happy.
I'm happy with Abigail, but the rest of it is not my favourite right now.

So you can call me loser

2007-01-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

So you can call me loser
Originally uploaded by LexyGirl.

Some Days

2007-01-21T19:55:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel like I don't understand art at all.
Granted, I had a long day, it only makes sense for my brain to be all dried up and goofy.
For those of you who have never cooked bacon with your shirt off, get on it. The pain is immensly pleasurable.

The city lights are interupting the stars.

2007-01-18T01:42:00.000-08:00

I equate love with sex. I always have. So I think that the lack of sex in the last 4 weeks and (supposed to be) the next two is the hardest part about having a new baby. Everything else I have managed to deal with relatively well. To be patient with, to go along with taking things day by day. I get momentarily annoyed with certain facts, like the snow, for example. It's keeping me in my house for longer than I'd like to be and I don't appreciate it. It makes me dependant upon Nathan because I can't get around on my own.
But the fact that I'm not experienceing physical intimacy, I definitely notice it. It's lacking. I'm uncomfortable with how unhappy it makes me. It feels like I'm teetering on the edge and I'm about to fall off. It's something big. Abandonment. Blah blah fuckity blah. Always the same thing. But just because I've agknowledged that I know what causes it doesn't mean I have a clue which direction to go in from here.
So I spoke a bit to the health nurse, and she's setting up some counselling appointments for me. I'll leave Abigail with my mom for an hour or so and go spill my guts to some shrink or other for a minimal fee, and they'll nod and ho and hum and tell me that I'm well adjusted and here are some things that you could work on and that other peoples actions do not define us as people as much as they may hurt and that there's nothing that we can do but deal with how they make us feel because in the end it's the otehr people's shit that makes sthem make your life miserable.
I know all that. But how do you fix the holes your parents leave behind? And by parents I mean one. singular.
Every personal relationship I've ever had in a romantic sense involving a man has left me bewlidered and confused, and half the time feeling more alone than I did when I was alone, but then I'm only ever alone for a week at a time so how would I know?
The first one was so incredibly fucked up I'd be kidding myself to say that it didn't have a lasting effect on me and the way I see myself. I was the companion who he used for some physical gratufication and emotional stability, only to deny it bold faced when asked later on... and I remained stupid enough to let it continue for something like four years, while he used sxomeone else I cared about as a sort of trophy wife.
I'm still not sure in the end what repricussions the pain he caused has. To either me or the other one he used.
I do know though that I allowed myself to be walked all over just for a taste of love for a second when the two of us were alone.
I allowed myself to believe that that was all I was worth. That obviously no one could love me in the open, so I could hide in the shadows and take what I could get.

Now I'm well adjusted enough to know that his behaviour was wrong and borderline sociopathic, but still I believe that I am undesireable. Unfufilling. That the one person I love most in the world (besides the person we made together) would rather have someone more appealing to look at, and to show to his friends.
My self worth is calculated by sex. And we're not having any.
And he doesn't even seem to miss it.

He's probably just keeping it to himself so that he doesn't feel like he's pressuring me into something I have no control over, that it would be pointless to express an interest. But the truth is that for months I've felt ugly and have kept myself hidden in my house and away from sight, and this whole enforced break is making me feel even worse.

I have a lot to deal with, friends.
Sorry for such an abrupt rant.

What a season it was

2006-12-26T13:02:00.000-08:00

On Sunday the 17th of December, Nathan and I went out to Langley to have dinner with his grandparents. We had roast, we chit chatted, we laughed and talked... then we headed home.
At midnight I was laying on the bed and the baby gave a big push, and Nathan pushed back. I sat up. My water had broken.
I'll spare the details of my 39 hour labor except to say that I'll never do it again. It was painful and horrifying, but it was worth every second.
She's beautiful. I've never loved anything as much as I love my daughter.

And so begins a new chapter.

2006-12-14T13:51:00.000-08:00

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis,would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C.

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these
candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then
scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

I'm gunna make pudding and think about what I've done

2006-12-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

Or, really, less what I've done and more the things that I wanted to do and didn't bother doing.

There have been a lot of times in my life when my conscience has taken a backseat to allow me to do the things I wanted to do. A lot of times when I tuned out the voice that said, "This is wrong" just because it was easier to ignore it and get what I wanted than it was to listen to it and have to behave myself.
And I don't regret it. Most of this stuff I am perfectly fine with having had happen. I'm not dissapointed in who I am, and it was the things I did that got me here.. so how can I say that they were neccisarily wrong?

The thing that's been weighing on my mind over the last two days is why ONE thing that I wanted to do from the time I was... I think.. fourteen or so... NEVER happened. I had ample oppurtunity. But I'd get there, and I'd push.. and somehow I couldn't make myself actually cross the line.
Of course, that depends on your definition of line crossing when it comes to that sort of thing, I imagine.
And also, I wasn't the only person fighting for and against the same thing. A typical Man Verses Himself style conflict.

There were things that I did that were far more hurtful than that which I didn't do, so why then did my brain draw this line in the sand that I couldn't bring myself to cross?

A night in someone elses house, both attached, as much as I hated to admit it. We had the option and the both of us thought better of it. Not because we didn't want to but because we felt morally bound to be good.
"be good"

I'm not sure if I had made myself semi attached at that point for any particular reason. I didn't even enjoy his company. The sex was never good. I've often looked back on that month and wondered what the F I was thinking. But you can't go back really. Like.. Really. You can't go back.
It's a cliche to say.. If I'd have known then what I know now....

Would a lot have changed? I'm not sure. Do I regret how it all went down? No. Not really.
But sometimes desire from change comes from a place very far from regret.

If I had

2006-12-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land
Someone is drilling. The sound annoys me.
My door buzzer went this morning at twenty to nine. It was the landlord asking me if I owned a Toyota. I don't.
My mother is coming over today to do the nursery. Paint the ceiling and what have you. It's been a pretty typical day. I woke up with a headache, the animals flew around the house because I was awake early. Untypically I made Rice Krispies Squares.
I think I need to go into therapy. I'm very quick to anger. Have been since I quit smoking pot. That's not to say that I plan on continuing the quitting past the day I have to.. But what it is saying is that maybe there's a deeper meaning here.
There's a whole world out my window and I'm starting to fear it. The more I stay inside, the more I want to.
Sometimes I stare out at that world. I might spend an hour in front of the window with the blinds closed, holding one of them open and staring at nothing. There are three floors of apartments across from me. Nothing happens in any of them most of the time. The woman who lives in the one on the left on the top floor has what looks to be an American Eskimo dog. He spends most of his day laying on a futon just outside the balcony door. I watch him lay there. It's a dog's life indeed.
The people on the ground floor directly across from me don't seem to wake up until it's midnight. They have a Corona Umbrella outside and an ashtray that I've seen get used once.
The people next to them have nothing on their deck. Not a thing.
Much like us.

Oh for awhile we had Andre out there. Andre is no longer part of our family. He went to the SPCA on Sunday. I hadn't mentioned it because of how absolutely awful I feel about it. It's true that he'll be better off once he finds a family that's better suited. It's very true. But in the meantime I feel like I just didn't try hard enough with him..... which is bullshit. I tried as hard as I could considering. He lived here for 2 years. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. We made each other unhappy.
I cried all the way home. I was glad that I don't drive. I would have had to pull over.
"I didn't make you do something that you didn't want to do, did I?", Nathan asked as he drove through Burnaby.
I shook my head. He tried to comfort me. It was a nice thought, but guilt is a strange emotion.

When I got home Marshall was mad at me. He laid on Andre's mat and stared at me with a very angry look on his face. If he wasn't there, he'd get up and go to where I had last had the cat carrier that Andre left in. It was as if to say, "I know he was RIGHT HERE before YOU took him away."
It bothered me for a few reasons. Mostly because Mar didn't pay any attention to Dre when he was around. How dare he get all pissy at me now. He wasn't the one who had to deal with his clothes getting peed on, the singing all night long.
Can you be bitter at an animal? As surely as they can get an idea across with a look.
Luckily though, when I started to cry again Marshall just laid on my lap as if to tell me it was okay. As if to say the same things that Nathan had been saying all morning.
And I cried into my triple triple.