Tuesday, December 12, 2006
If I had
If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this landSomeone is drilling. The sound annoys me.
My door buzzer went this morning at twenty to nine. It was the landlord asking me if I owned a Toyota. I don't.
My mother is coming over today to do the nursery. Paint the ceiling and what have you. It's been a pretty typical day. I woke up with a headache, the animals flew around the house because I was awake early. Untypically I made Rice Krispies Squares.
I think I need to go into therapy. I'm very quick to anger. Have been since I quit smoking pot. That's not to say that I plan on continuing the quitting past the day I have to.. But what it is saying is that maybe there's a deeper meaning here.
There's a whole world out my window and I'm starting to fear it. The more I stay inside, the more I want to.
Sometimes I stare out at that world. I might spend an hour in front of the window with the blinds closed, holding one of them open and staring at nothing. There are three floors of apartments across from me. Nothing happens in any of them most of the time. The woman who lives in the one on the left on the top floor has what looks to be an American Eskimo dog. He spends most of his day laying on a futon just outside the balcony door. I watch him lay there. It's a dog's life indeed.
The people on the ground floor directly across from me don't seem to wake up until it's midnight. They have a Corona Umbrella outside and an ashtray that I've seen get used once.
The people next to them have nothing on their deck. Not a thing.
Much like us.
Oh for awhile we had Andre out there. Andre is no longer part of our family. He went to the SPCA on Sunday. I hadn't mentioned it because of how absolutely awful I feel about it. It's true that he'll be better off once he finds a family that's better suited. It's very true. But in the meantime I feel like I just didn't try hard enough with him..... which is bullshit. I tried as hard as I could considering. He lived here for 2 years. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. We made each other unhappy.
I cried all the way home. I was glad that I don't drive. I would have had to pull over.
"I didn't make you do something that you didn't want to do, did I?", Nathan asked as he drove through Burnaby.
I shook my head. He tried to comfort me. It was a nice thought, but guilt is a strange emotion.
When I got home Marshall was mad at me. He laid on Andre's mat and stared at me with a very angry look on his face. If he wasn't there, he'd get up and go to where I had last had the cat carrier that Andre left in. It was as if to say, "I know he was RIGHT HERE before YOU took him away."
It bothered me for a few reasons. Mostly because Mar didn't pay any attention to Dre when he was around. How dare he get all pissy at me now. He wasn't the one who had to deal with his clothes getting peed on, the singing all night long.
Can you be bitter at an animal? As surely as they can get an idea across with a look.
Luckily though, when I started to cry again Marshall just laid on my lap as if to tell me it was okay. As if to say the same things that Nathan had been saying all morning.
And I cried into my triple triple.
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