Thursday, December 14, 2006

I'm gunna make pudding and think about what I've done

Or, really, less what I've done and more the things that I wanted to do and didn't bother doing.


There have been a lot of times in my life when my conscience has taken a backseat to allow me to do the things I wanted to do. A lot of times when I tuned out the voice that said, "This is wrong" just because it was easier to ignore it and get what I wanted than it was to listen to it and have to behave myself.
And I don't regret it. Most of this stuff I am perfectly fine with having had happen. I'm not dissapointed in who I am, and it was the things I did that got me here.. so how can I say that they were neccisarily wrong?

The thing that's been weighing on my mind over the last two days is why ONE thing that I wanted to do from the time I was... I think.. fourteen or so... NEVER happened. I had ample oppurtunity. But I'd get there, and I'd push.. and somehow I couldn't make myself actually cross the line.
Of course, that depends on your definition of line crossing when it comes to that sort of thing, I imagine.
And also, I wasn't the only person fighting for and against the same thing. A typical Man Verses Himself style conflict.

There were things that I did that were far more hurtful than that which I didn't do, so why then did my brain draw this line in the sand that I couldn't bring myself to cross?



A night in someone elses house, both attached, as much as I hated to admit it. We had the option and the both of us thought better of it. Not because we didn't want to but because we felt morally bound to be good.
"be good"


I'm not sure if I had made myself semi attached at that point for any particular reason. I didn't even enjoy his company. The sex was never good. I've often looked back on that month and wondered what the F I was thinking. But you can't go back really. Like.. Really. You can't go back.
It's a cliche to say.. If I'd have known then what I know now....


Would a lot have changed? I'm not sure. Do I regret how it all went down? No. Not really.
But sometimes desire from change comes from a place very far from regret.

Posted by Lexy @ 8:54 AM

Listening

I don't want you to think of me as an eavesdropper so I'll just say that I'm listening to music instead of my neighbour's maid flirting with my other neighbour's driver.

Reading

I like it when people think of me as an intellectual so I will list a bunch of intellectual-sounding books here, even those I don't plan to read.

Viewing

Since I can't list my porn collection here, I'll just leave it this way until I can force myself to watch non-pornographic stuff, which may or may not happen.