Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What a season it was
On Sunday the 17th of December, Nathan and I went out to Langley to have dinner with his grandparents. We had roast, we chit chatted, we laughed and talked... then we headed home.At midnight I was laying on the bed and the baby gave a big push, and Nathan pushed back. I sat up. My water had broken.
I'll spare the details of my 39 hour labor except to say that I'll never do it again. It was painful and horrifying, but it was worth every second.
She's beautiful. I've never loved anything as much as I love my daughter.
And so begins a new chapter.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis,would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these
candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then
scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said
YES, you just killed Beethoven.
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
I'm gunna make pudding and think about what I've done
Or, really, less what I've done and more the things that I wanted to do and didn't bother doing.There have been a lot of times in my life when my conscience has taken a backseat to allow me to do the things I wanted to do. A lot of times when I tuned out the voice that said, "This is wrong" just because it was easier to ignore it and get what I wanted than it was to listen to it and have to behave myself.
And I don't regret it. Most of this stuff I am perfectly fine with having had happen. I'm not dissapointed in who I am, and it was the things I did that got me here.. so how can I say that they were neccisarily wrong?
The thing that's been weighing on my mind over the last two days is why ONE thing that I wanted to do from the time I was... I think.. fourteen or so... NEVER happened. I had ample oppurtunity. But I'd get there, and I'd push.. and somehow I couldn't make myself actually cross the line.
Of course, that depends on your definition of line crossing when it comes to that sort of thing, I imagine.
And also, I wasn't the only person fighting for and against the same thing. A typical Man Verses Himself style conflict.
There were things that I did that were far more hurtful than that which I didn't do, so why then did my brain draw this line in the sand that I couldn't bring myself to cross?
A night in someone elses house, both attached, as much as I hated to admit it. We had the option and the both of us thought better of it. Not because we didn't want to but because we felt morally bound to be good.
"be good"
I'm not sure if I had made myself semi attached at that point for any particular reason. I didn't even enjoy his company. The sex was never good. I've often looked back on that month and wondered what the F I was thinking. But you can't go back really. Like.. Really. You can't go back.
It's a cliche to say.. If I'd have known then what I know now....
Would a lot have changed? I'm not sure. Do I regret how it all went down? No. Not really.
But sometimes desire from change comes from a place very far from regret.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
If I had
If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this landSomeone is drilling. The sound annoys me.
My door buzzer went this morning at twenty to nine. It was the landlord asking me if I owned a Toyota. I don't.
My mother is coming over today to do the nursery. Paint the ceiling and what have you. It's been a pretty typical day. I woke up with a headache, the animals flew around the house because I was awake early. Untypically I made Rice Krispies Squares.
I think I need to go into therapy. I'm very quick to anger. Have been since I quit smoking pot. That's not to say that I plan on continuing the quitting past the day I have to.. But what it is saying is that maybe there's a deeper meaning here.
There's a whole world out my window and I'm starting to fear it. The more I stay inside, the more I want to.
Sometimes I stare out at that world. I might spend an hour in front of the window with the blinds closed, holding one of them open and staring at nothing. There are three floors of apartments across from me. Nothing happens in any of them most of the time. The woman who lives in the one on the left on the top floor has what looks to be an American Eskimo dog. He spends most of his day laying on a futon just outside the balcony door. I watch him lay there. It's a dog's life indeed.
The people on the ground floor directly across from me don't seem to wake up until it's midnight. They have a Corona Umbrella outside and an ashtray that I've seen get used once.
The people next to them have nothing on their deck. Not a thing.
Much like us.
Oh for awhile we had Andre out there. Andre is no longer part of our family. He went to the SPCA on Sunday. I hadn't mentioned it because of how absolutely awful I feel about it. It's true that he'll be better off once he finds a family that's better suited. It's very true. But in the meantime I feel like I just didn't try hard enough with him..... which is bullshit. I tried as hard as I could considering. He lived here for 2 years. He was unhappy. I was unhappy. We made each other unhappy.
I cried all the way home. I was glad that I don't drive. I would have had to pull over.
"I didn't make you do something that you didn't want to do, did I?", Nathan asked as he drove through Burnaby.
I shook my head. He tried to comfort me. It was a nice thought, but guilt is a strange emotion.
When I got home Marshall was mad at me. He laid on Andre's mat and stared at me with a very angry look on his face. If he wasn't there, he'd get up and go to where I had last had the cat carrier that Andre left in. It was as if to say, "I know he was RIGHT HERE before YOU took him away."
It bothered me for a few reasons. Mostly because Mar didn't pay any attention to Dre when he was around. How dare he get all pissy at me now. He wasn't the one who had to deal with his clothes getting peed on, the singing all night long.
Can you be bitter at an animal? As surely as they can get an idea across with a look.
Luckily though, when I started to cry again Marshall just laid on my lap as if to tell me it was okay. As if to say the same things that Nathan had been saying all morning.
And I cried into my triple triple.
